


Snoke's Completely Accurate Guide to A+ Parenting

by greenikat89



Series: Snoke's Completely Accurate Guides [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Children, Clone babies, Crack, Darth Tantrum and his Evil Space Ginger, Evil Space Boyfriends, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, Snoke's A+ Parenting Skills, egg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-31 19:03:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6483472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenikat89/pseuds/greenikat89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hux and Ren are summoned back to Snoke's chambers for some more news: they're parents!  Or, at least, that's what the Supreme Leader is claiming.  Hux is disturbed by the giant egg thing deposited into their lap, but it's Kylo Ren who's even more disturbing with his instant attachment to the egg.</p><p>Saying 'fuck it' and joining the Resistance seems more appealing every day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of "Snoke's Completely Accurate Guide to Doing the Do." Might be best to read that one first, but it's not necessary. This story is going to update probably slower than the others since I have another open story (or two) to finish. However, I really liked playing around in this universe so...here's to more crack and hopefully more laughter. I just really like writing crack. These two are just huge, uptight dorky losers. Even if they are evil.

Hux tried not to fidget as he waited for the Supreme Leader to appear in his chambers. The redhead still had nightmares about the last time he and Ren were brought here under suspicious terms. 

“What do you think Snoke wants?” Ren’s voice was loud in the cavernous room and echoed off the walls and high ceilings.

The General refrained from rolling his eyes. “Aren’t you the mind reader?”

“I can’t read his mind,” Ren said in offended tones and glanced over at Hux.

Before Hux could respond back the dark, ambient lighting in the room flared to startlingly brightness before Snoke’s massive holographic form appeared sitting on a throne. “Ren. Hux,” he greeted.

“Supreme Leader,” they chimed back in turn with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

“I know the both of you have been faithfully sending me updates about your progress for siring a new wave of Dark side children for the First Order. I also know that it isn’t going well, which is a disappointment to us all.”

Ren dropped down to one knee and bowed his head. “I will do better next time, Master.”

Snoke waved a withered hand in the air and leaned back in his chair. “That will not be necessary, my child. The mysterious ways of the breeding swamp are mysterious indeed and not everyone is up to performing the penis fencing ritual.”

Hux looked mortified. They’d been forced to share the same room for a month where he had to fend off Ren’s fumbling advances while refusing to answer his questions about pinchers that _they didn’t have_. “Supreme Leader,” Hux said with forced civility, “as you must know from my many, many detailed reports. There is simply no compatibility between myself and Ren.”

The Supreme Leader nodded sadly. “Ren, I had not realized how shy your rhombus would be.” Hux made a strangled noise. “I will forgive you in your transgressions for I have found a new way for you to become parents.”

Ren raised his head with a shocked look on his face.  “Parents?”

“Supreme Leader,” Hux said carefully, “with all due respect I really don’t think-”

“Behold, your children!” Snoke’s voice rang out loudly in the room. A column of white light shone down from above, and a circular panel in the floor slid back. Something white and round was slowly revealed as it was lifted up from the floor with the faint sound of clicking gears.

Hux gaped as the hulking thing grew larger and rounder before them until the entire thing was in full view sitting atop a red silken pillow. “An egg?” he asked flabbergasted.

Some unknown emotion was reflected in Ren’s eyes. “Parents?”

The Supreme Leader nodded in satisfaction. “Because you could not carry eggs, I have ordered our techs to splice your DNAs together to create clones that would carry on your legacy.” A small, blade like grin stretched across his ruined face. “The medical droids assured me that this was the best way for humans to house their young in this protective, porous barrier.”

The giant white egg sat there on its pillow. Hux noticed there was a little First Order logo stamped in the middle. He focused on that instead of feeling violated that his DNA had been used and diluted with Ren’s inferior ones.

“What are we to do with this…egg?” he asked distastefully.

Ren made a sound of derision. “We build a nest for it. Obviously.”

Hux turned a furious glare on the Knight. “We’re not building a-”

“Precisely!” Snoke cut off Hux for the second time. “I see you have been reading the data files I’ve sent the both of you.” Ren seemed to preen under the praise and Hux wanted nothing more than to elbow him in his stupid face. “Take this egg and protect your young so they will hatch. I will be sending more files along later and you will update me on the progress.”

Hux opened his mouth to desperately plead with Snoke but the hologram suddenly disappeared. Much the same way as Hux’s will to live. He sighed and jabbed his fingers through his hair while he glared at the egg. It was big enough around that even with two of them it would be too massive to carry.  

“Well,” the General said irritably and crossed his arms over his chest, “use the Force and lift that thing to your quarters.”

“ _Our_ quarters,” Ren emphasized. He reverently touched the fragile looking shell with one gloved hand. “And it isn’t a thing, it’s our egg.” 

Hux looked furious. “We’re not birds!” This whole thing was a disaster and someone needed to murder whomever had been in charge of Snoke’s reproduction education. “I don’t know what that thing is but it is absolutely not sharing the same quarters as me.”

The egg gently rocked side to side as Ren carefully, for once in his life, lifted it up into the air for transport. “Don’t you worry little egg, your rhombus has just been stressed lately,” he murmured.

“I’m not stressed,” Hux said in clipped tones even though anyone could see he was very clearly stressed. “And I’m not a kriffing rhombus. No one is a rhombus in this situation.”

Ren maneuvered the egg through the doorway and out into the hall. The egg barely fit. “But Snoke said-”

“Snoke is out of his damn mind!” Hux shouted. Two Stormtroopers who had been making their rounds at the other end of the hallway stopped, turned around, and quickly walked back the way they came. “We’re not parents. That is not our egg. You are not building a nest in my quarters.” The way Ren took Snoke’s word as gospel was…quite frankly disturbing to say the least.

Hux sighed when he was met with a wall of silence. “Fine,” he said and stopped walking alongside Ren. “I have important work to do. If you want to play nursemaid to that thing then go ahead.” He didn’t stomp down the hallway but it was a very near thing.


	2. Chapter 2

Hux’s mood had not improved with time as he made his way back towards the quarters he begrudgingly shared with Kylo Ren. (No amount of strategically worded missives would get Snoke to change his mind.) The General could only hope that Ren was off in his practice rooms with that stupid egg.

A nice cup of special blend tea sounded lovely to soothe the nerves. Or better yet a glass of Doth brandy given to him as a personal gift by a friend of his fathers in the commerce guild. He punched in his keycode to their shared rooms with thoughts about relaxation and reviewing expense reports when a wall of heat blasted him in the face as soon as the blaster door slid open. “REN!” he bellowed. He was going to murder him.

The egg was _on his bed_ dead center almost completely swaddled in all the blankets and spare clothing items in the room. “Heat off,” Hux commanded, already sweating as he let the door close behind him. His closet door had been left open to reveal all of his formerly pressed and folded clothes had been ripped off hangers and piled around the egg. Ren had even placed his officer’s cap atop the egg.

This time Hux really did stomp towards the bed intent on taking his things back and having the droids fully sanitize and starch everything. He reached out to take his spare greatcoat when a hand shot out from under the pile of blankets to grab onto his wrist. Hux bit down hard on his tongue to keep from shrieking.

“Don’t mess with the nest!” came Ren’s muffled voice. His head of wild, ridiculous hair appeared first followed by his bare shoulders as he unearthed his way from the mound. “Heat on.”

Hux ripped his hand out of Kylo’s grip. “What are you doing?” he asked a little more harshly than intended to cover up his momentary fear. His heart was still wildly thudding in his chest and he was pretty sure Ren could hear it. That bastard. “Heat off,” he demanded and the sweltering temperatures dropped again.

Ren sent a fond look at the swaddled egg. “Snoke advised us to make a nest so our children can be comfortable in a warm environment.” He moved his hand and the next second the heat was back on followed by what sounded like electrical circuits sparking. There was a pop and a hiss and suddenly the room became monstrously hot.

“Did you short out the temperature gauge?” Hux glared at a spot in the wall where a thread of smoke was steadily rising. “And why does it involve you being naked?” His coat was uncomfortably sticking to the small of his back where sweat had already collected.

Ren scoffed. “I’m wearing undergarments.” The sheets fell away to his waist revealing densely packed muscles on his broad frame.

“Put some clothes on and get a technician to come in here and fix the heat.” Unbidden, a memory of a random technician’s words floated through Hux’s head. _A buddy of mine said Kylo Ren had an 8-pack._ Hux viciously scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. “A _proper_ technician.”

If Ren found that a strange request he didn’t show it as he leisurely stretched and got out of bed as if the oppressive heat meant nothing to him. He was in a pair of non-standard issue black boxers that had little hearts and Darth Vader helmets over it. Force knows where he even _got_ such a thing.

“Not until the egg hatches,” Ren said firmly and carded his fingers through his sleep-mussed hair.

An irritated sigh escaped through Hux’s lips. He was too tired to deal with this right now and much too hot. He shot a withering look at the egg. The egg placidly sat there. “Fine.” Annoyance rolled off of him in waves. “But only until it hatches.” How long could it take?

\---

“Hux, you need to take care of our egg,” Kylo demanded imperiously when he barged into the room laden down with bags.

Hux, who _had_ been sleeping peacefully, startled awake from the bent over position at his desk. “It’s not our egg,” he said tiredly and scrubbed a hand over his face. Kylo had refused to turn down the heat so Hux had to sleep in his office for the past two kriffing months. “And why can’t you take care of it?” Hux discreetly wiped off the drool on his datapad.

“Snoke has assigned me a mission for a while, and I don’t trust anyone else to take care of it.” He shouldered off one of the black bags and dropped it on Hux’s desk. “Here are all the things you need to take care of our egg.” Another bag heavily _thumped_ on the desk. “And here are the manuals Snoke suggested we read before our child comes into the world.”

The General gave Kylo a flat looked and swept the bags off his desk. “No.”

“This is a chance for you to bond with our child.”

Hux’s eye twitched with suppressed anger. “Kylo, I’m not taking care of that egg. I’m a busy person.”

“I’ll turn the heat down,” Kylo offered. “Sleeping in your office must be bad for your back. And a rhombus needs a comfortable environment to sleep in as well.”

The only reason he didn’t shoot Kylo with his blaster was because Hux actually would like to go back to his own bed (even if it was a bed he had to share with Kylo and that stupid egg). “Fine,” he said wearily and leaned back in his chair. “I’ll tend to the egg while you’re gone.”

“I knew you would see reason.” Kylo waved his hand and the blaster doors opened again and the egg floated in on its hoverbed. Ren had tinkered way in his workshop so the egg could be moved around with minimal effort and just some simple motion detected hand controls. He rested a palm against the egg’s surface right above the First Order stamp. “Be good for your rhombus. He’ll take good care of you.”

Hux rolled his eyes when Kylo dramatically swept out of the office to do Force knows what. Maybe he’d get himself killed and save Hux a lot of headaches.


	3. Chapter 3

“The thing is though, Kylo Ren is an idiot,” Hux said and took another sip of his tea. “I don’t know what they taught at that sad excuse for a Jedi school before that idiot was snatched away, but it certainly wasn’t basic education. He’s just as bad as _Snoke_ is, which is just appalling. The two of them are a perfect pair for each other.”

Phasma let out a chuff of laughter in agreement before taking a sip of her own tea. “Speaking of a pair, how are you and Eggbert doing?”

Hux’s mouth flattened out into a thin line. “The egg and I are doing just fine,” he said stiffly.  The egg hovered next to him at the end of the table in one of the officer’s smaller conference rooms. “And it’s not named Eggbert.”

The captain leaned back in her seat with an amused expression on her face. “Regardless, I’m glad the two of you are getting chummy now that Kylo Ren has been off ship for a while.”

“Because I can’t leave it alone!” he snapped and forcibly set his teacup down in agitation. It’d only taken five minutes after Kylo had left to realize that if Hux were out of a certain vicinity from the egg then a high beeping noise would emit from its platform along with flashing lights until he was within range again.

“If you say so, Sir,” she said. Her eyes flicked up to the little general’s hat sitting atop the egg, but she made no additional comment about it.

 Hux’s holopad beeped an urgent message. “You’re lucky you’re an invaluable member of the First Order or I would have you demoted for insubordination,” he muttered and flicked through the messages. Reports. Reports. Reports. A message from Kylo. (He deleted that without another thought.) And oh…a summons from the Supreme Leader titled: NEED 2 TLK ABT SPORE.

A sigh escaped past thin lips and Hux regretfully pushed his tea away for a cleaning droid to immediately take. He’d hoped that he wouldn’t have had to talk with Snoke until Kylo was back from whatever mission he was on. “Snoke has summoned me, so you’ll have to excuse us,” Hux murmured and headed towards Snoke’s chamber. The egg’s platform hummed as it hovered along behind Hux.

Snoke, much to Hux’s faint surprise, was already waiting for him when he entered the grand chambers. “Supreme Leader,” the General said respectfully and bowed. “I came as soon as I got your missive.”

“How is the Kylux spore doing?” Snoke asked without preamble.

Hux inwardly cringed although he did his best to keep it off his expression. “The egg is doing very well.” The crew had tried calling the egg Kylux in the beginning after the reveal and it’d taken two weeks for Hux to crush that nonsense. It was an egg. It was not called Hux III or Kylo Jr. It was not called Eggbert. And it was certainly not called kriffing Kylux. Unfortunately Snoke hadn’t received that memo.

Snoke nodded and rubbed a hand under his chin. “Excellent. Could you explain to me how it feels?” 

Hux shot a quizzical look at Snoke. “The egg?”

Snoke waved a hand around in the air. “At this stage it is common for the young to move around and kick. I’m sure you’ve felt this on several occasions. Place your hand up to Kylux and tell me what you feel since I cannot be there.”

Years of training at the Academy and under his father’s strict upbringing kept Hux’s expression carefully blank as he reached out his hand and laid it on the surface of the egg. He could feel Snoke’s intense gaze on him like a heavy weight. “Oh yes, I feel it,” he said tonelessly. “It’s…moving around. Very strongly. I think I felt a kick.” He cocked his head to the side and paused. “Yes, definitely a kick.”

The Supreme Leader leaned back in his throne with an expression that could have been called faintly wistful if Hux didn’t know better. “And I’ve been told you started including it in your gossip sessions?”

Thin red eyebrows snapped together in outrage. “ _Who told you-”_ he broke off in a coughing fit when Snoke’s beady eyes seemed to stare into Hux’s nonexistent soul. “I mean ah…I have been _talking_ to the egg.” He pulled his hand back from the egg to stand at parade rest again. “The resources you so helpfully sent me said it was best to talk to the young as it grew.” Hux was going to murder whomever had ratted out his sacred gossip time. He had a hunch it was Phasma. That woman was dead to him.

“Then why,” Snoke began and seemed to draw himself up higher in his throne, “has Kylux not hatched since I gave him to you three months ago?” Thunder seemed to rumble in the cavernous chamber and the lights flickered ominously in the rapidly darkening room. “I demand grandchildren.”

Hux was not a man easily cowed by others. He put up with Ren’s manic, Force choking mood swings on a constant basis. However, his years of training at the Academy and his working relationship with Kylo combined had not prepared him for a power hungry grandfather in waiting.

He clenched his gloved fist behind his back. “Supreme Leader, I am doing the best I can,” he said with forced patience. “However, I also have troops to command and war plans to draw up and-”

“Then take some rhombus leave,” Snoke cut in with an imperious wave of his hand.

There was a long, long silence in the cavernous room as Hux tried, and failed, to keep his expression under control. “…I beg your pardon?” he said faintly.

“I’m ordering you on rhombus leave,” Snoke said again and directed a fond look at the egg. “Obviously you need more time to connect with young Kylux and you have too many responsibilities at this moment.”

Rage swept through him like wildfire and never in Hux’s life had he wished for Force powers until right then. “I am going to kill you,” he said with the dead certainty of a man pushed well past his limits.

“What was that?” Snoke asked and looked up from where he’d been cooing at the egg.

“I said _thank_ you,” Hux said louder as he tried to reign in his temper. His hands were locked behind his back to keep himself from strangling…well… _something_ because he couldn’t touch Snoke. “I am so fortunate to have your divine wisdom and expertise because you _clearly_ know more than me in winning a war and managing _these obviously important grandchildren_.”

If Snoke recognized the sarcasm then he did a remarkable job of not reacting to it. “Excellent, I knew you would see reason.” The room lightened considerably and the rumbling stopped. Hux could swear he even heard a bird chirping from somewhere. “I expect to see some results in two weeks with your larvae in front of me for inspection.”

Hux nodded stiffly. “Of course, Supreme Leader.” He was not going to murder Snoke. He was not.

“Excellent,” Snoke exclaimed and clapped his withered, skeletal hands together. “Keep me updated on Kylux’s progress.” The hologram abruptly disappeared before Hux had even finished saluting, leaving the General stewing in anger.


	4. Chapter 4

Hux flopped down onto his bed and screamed into his pillow to let out some of his frustrations. It was a Kylo thing to do, but Hux felt perfectly justified seeing as how it’s _that idiot’s entire fault._ What was he supposed to do on this kriffing ‘rhombus leave’? He’d never used any of his allotted leave time since he’d become General. Not when there was so much _work_ to do.

 

He reached out and yanked open his nightstand drawer to pull out his datapad. Maybe he could do some light work if he couldn’t be on the bridge commanding his officers. The device powered up and he typed in his personal information to get to his files while thinking about some formations he wanted to go over.

 

**ERROR**

 

Hux frowned at the message taking up the screen and tried again. He knew he had typed it in right.

 

**ERROR**

 

He tried again.

 

**ERROR**

**ERROR**

**ERROR**

**ERRORERRORERRORERRORER-**

 

Hux snarled and threw the datapad against the far wall in a fit of rage where the screen shattered upon impact. It must have been Snoke’s doing in some way as part of this Bantha shit ‘rhombus leave’ he’d been forced on. He breathed out hard through his nose and sucked in air through his mouth, closing his eyes to calm down so he didn’t have a proper Kylo Ren tantrum in his room.

 

The egg hovered in the corner on its slightly humming platform. Hux scowled at it and wished, for the first time ever, that he had some of Ren’s mystic Force powers to crush the egg with his mind. Maybe then this entire farce of a “relationship” would end with kriffing Kylo and the stupid kriffing egg once and for all.

 

A hollow knocking rang through the chambers. Hux quickly finger combed his hair into some semblance of order. “Come in,” he said curtly.

 

The door soundlessly slid open and Lieutenant Mitaka politely stepped in and snapped a quick salute with a black box held under his other arm. “Sir,” he said and very tactfully didn’t glance at the broken pad near his boots. “Orders came down from above that I’m to help you prepare for tonight’s meeting at 1900 hours.”

 

“I don’t have any meetings,” he said neutrally. Not since Snoke lost his mind and effectively demoted him until the egg spawn hatched or whatever it did.

 

“It’s um, for Kylu-”

 

“Don’t,” Hux cut in dangerously.

 

“-llllo’s and the General’s child,” Mitaka fumbled to correct. “Supreme Leader Snoke’s message suggested that a spawn storm was in order. I’m um…sure he meant baby shower,” the Lieutenant offered when he saw Hux’s carefully blank expression of confusion.

 

Hux seethed on the inside. “Cancel it,” he said tersely. There was no way he was going to go to a baby shower.

 

Mitaka looked a little put out. “But all the officers will be there. Captain Phasma oversaw the baking of the cake.”

 

Phasma was dead to him.  

 

“It’s dark chocolate,” the Lieutenant added.

 

But on the other hand, he did have a weakness for the sweet. “Fine,” Hux reluctantly acquiesced. “But I’m not wearing whatever is in that box.”

 

This time Mitaka did pout. “The Supreme Leader said these were the ceremonial garments for a spawn storm.” He opened up the box lid and Hux nearly recoiled when he saw something frilly and pink peeking out from it.

 

“Lieutenant, if you come anywhere near me with that I will personally see to it that you get sent to re-education,” Hux said coldly with a narrow-eyed glare.

 

It stopped the younger man in his tracks with the black box clutched in his grip. “Understood, Sir,” he said with a faint tremble in his voice. “But um…can I at least decorate the egg?”

 

A low throbbing started just behind Hux’s eyes. “I’ll let you fulfill whatever duties the Supreme Leader has commanded you to do, but only if you give me access to your datapad.”

 

Mitaka snapped another salute, eagerly handing over the device before cooing at the egg hovering in the corner of the room. Fortunately, Hux had enough experience blocking out annoyances to get work done.

 

\---

 

1900 hours came much too fast for Hux's liking as he grudgingly followed a chattering Mitaka down the halls towards the officer's lounge with the egg pushed in front of him.  "I planned out everything in accordance to the Supreme Leader's wishes," he said proudly.

 

"Mmhmm," Hux murmured.  He wondered if it was too late to claim some sort of illness.

 

"The Stormtroopers were excellent at following orders, and DR-4005 had quite an eye for arrangements," the Lieutenant continued on, unfazed by the General's lack of enthusiasm. "Tah-dah!"  The doors slid open revealing an explosion of colors and sound. 

 

Hux nearly bit his tongue to stifle his outrage at the officer’s lounge being turned into some pink and blue monstrosity. There were decorations everywhere with garlands lining the walls and huge bouquets of flowers on cocktail tables. Balloons lazily curled along the ceiling and there was definitely non-standard issue music mingling in with the chattering of officer voices.

 

A cheer went up as everyone turned as one towards the General with their pink and blue glasses lifted in the air. “Happy spawn storm, General Hux,” everyone greeted when they saw the redhead walk in.

 

Hux attempted to turn right back around and walk out, but Phasma slung a heavy arm around his shoulders and firmly guided him to the cupcake table. “Happy spawn storm,” she greeted with amusement coloring her voice. “Who knew that out of all of us you would be the first one in a family way?”

 

“What is this?” he hissed. Two high spots of color on his cheeks denoted his agitation. “And what _budget_ is this all coming out of?” He waved one hand around at the lavish decorations.

 

There was even a huge, golden throne encrusted in jewels was erected in the center of the room with dozens of gaily-wrapped presents surrounding it and a massive, multi-tiered cake nearly as high as the throne. Next to it was the egg serenely hovering on a matching platform. Mitaka had dressed it up with a pink bowtie underneath the First Order logo, and a soft blue cap that had a ribbon protruding from the back.

 

“Oh relax, Daddy Hux,” Phasma teased and took a swig from her flask, “Snoke paid for it all.”

 

Upon closer inspection, the throne did look a lot like Snoke’s throne that he usually sat on. “Well that’s a relief,” Hux muttered. Ren went through an obscenely large amount of their funds and credits didn’t just appear out of thin air. “Wait… also _don’t call me that._ ”

 

“My apologies, Sir,” the Captain demurred. She handed Hux one of her spare flasks filled with her special brandy. “I meant General Daddy Hux.”

 

Hux was going to _throttle her_ but she quickly slipped through the crowd, leaving Hux alone for a group of officers to surround him all quick to offer congratulations and words of wisdom about childrearing.  

 

It was ten of the longest minutes of his life, and no amount of glaring or hostile words could get his officers to properly flee in terror and leave him alone. Someone tugged on his arm and he looked aside to see Mitaka with a blue-ringed smile.

 

“Sir, it’s time for the ceremonial celebrations,” he said and popped the last bit of cupcake into his mouth. “Supreme Leader Snoke is on the holofeed to watch.” He gestured behind him to a large panel projecting…something. Snoke was too massive so all that could be seen was the bottom of his robe and one foot.

 

“I LOOK FORWARD TO THE SPAWN STORM FESTIVITIES.” Someone hadn’t calibrated the sound correctly, causing Snoke’s voice to be no less booming throughout the room. Quite a few people winced.

 

Hux bit back a long-suffering sigh while the officers around him cheered him on. However, he allowed himself to be led towards the towering cake and the egg. The sooner he got this over with the better. “Do I have to give some kind of speech?” He drained all of Phasma’s brandy in one go. He was not nearly drunk enough for this.

 

Mitaka shook his head while he gently pushed Hux onto the throne. “Of course not, Sir. Phasma has prepared some words, you’ll open the presents, and then there will be the surprise cake cutting.”

 

Hux’s head snapped up in suspicion. “Surprise cake cutting?” Dread curled in his gut.

 

The Lieutenant laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. “I…I meant cake cutting. Definitely not surprise!”

 

The General’s mouth flattened out into a thin line of displeasure. “You said surprise.”

 

“No, not at all!” the shorter man’s voice seemed to get higher with every word. “W-we know how much you don’t like surprises!”

 

“Surprise!” Kylo suddenly bellowed as he popped out of the cake in an explosion of chocolate baked goods and goopy pastel frosting. He was naked except for a white sash that said ‘Baby New Year’ and a white cloth diaper of some sort.

 

“What? Ren!?” Hux nearly choked on his own words in anger, half crawling right over the top of the throne out of sheer surprise. “Explain yourself right now!” Hux definitely did not do surprises.

 

Kylo tossed his hair to the side. “I’m the spawn shower cake surprise,” he answered and seemed completely at ease in the getup because he had no shame. “The Supreme Leader’s divine wisdom mentioned that it was normal for a person of interest to come out of the cake.”

 

“IT IS EXPECTED THAT AN ALPHA WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEIR RHOMBUS,” Snoke added in helpfully.

 

There were a bunch of ‘awws’ around the room and a smattering of applause. Ren looked monstrously smug at the attention. “Happy spawn storm.” His arms flung out dramatically, struck the egg, and the second guest of honor toppled off its hover platform and cracked on the hard, metal floor.

 

“Oh no!” Mitaka gasped and nearly fainted.

 

“My babies!” Kylo yelled and tripped out of the waist high cake to get towards the egg.

 

“Wookies!” Hux shouted in outrage when the eggshell was Force-lifted up in the air. There were three, no, four tiny wookies clutched in Kylo’s sobbing grip.

 

“I’M A GRANDFATHER!” Supreme Leader Snoke declared in delight.

 

Phasma silently handed Hux another flask.  


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as someone recognized, I took some inspiration from the wonderful fancomics that feature a Kylo Ren caring for some orphan Wookiees and an exasperated Hux. Their Kylo and Hux was already the crack dynamic I was writing about and I loved them. I was stuck trying to figure out what could come out of the giant egg, because I knew it couldn't be human, and was toying with some sort of space snake when I came across Kelgrid's hilarious comics. I immediately made a tumblr account and asked for permission to use their comics as inspiration with credit and they said of course! So, thanks for that. 
> 
> http://kelgrid.tumblr.com/ <\--- Link to their tumblr page. And thanks Kel for letting me derive inspriation from your comics for this chapter.

“But _how_ is this possible?” Hux asked for what felt like the fifth time in a row.  He and Kylo Ren were in the med bay with the four Wookiees swaddled in cloth.  Despite their size, roughly the height of a standard humanoid child, they were fully mobile and kept trying to wiggle out of their blankets to walk around and explore.

 

The medical droid beeped in distress as it tried to take the temperature of one of the Wookiees.  “Supreme Leader Snoke personally oversaw the cloning of your children and advised us on the best methods.”  The closest Wookiee whined when the droid came close to it.

 

“Don’t scare Vader One!” Kylo hissed and snatched up the child.  He made cooing, garbling noises that the Wookiee apparently reacted to and warbled something back.  Ren’s eyes looked suspiciously moist.  “Vader One is sensitive and demands your utmost care.”

 

“I apologize, Lord Ren.”  The droid held up a rattle to distract the second Wookiee in order to take a fur sample.  “As I was saying, General, the Supreme Leader gave us your genetic material and then advised us on how to proceed to make superior larvae.”

 

Hux pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to ignore the closest baby Wookiee that was vying for his attention.  None of this made sense, but then again with Snoke involved, anything was possible.  Like how mammals came out of an egg.  Or that _they weren’t even human._

 

 _Don’t be like that, Hux._ Ren’s mental voice was like nails scraping over his brain.   _Our children are the best.  They are **powerful**.  And they look just like us.  _ Three of the Wookiees had Ren’s dark coloring and silky, curled fur.  The fourth one had Hux’s red hair color and green eyes.

 

“Can we just get this checkup over with?” Hux grumbled and tugged his sleeve away from the baby Wookiee that Ren had imaginatively named Vader Two.  “We have to take the Wookiees-”

 

“ _Our_ children,” Ren butted in.

 

“-to the Supreme Leader for an updated report.”  Privately, the General thought Snoke just wanted to coo at the Wookiees some more.  During the shower, the Supreme Leader couldn’t stop shouting at full volume how pleased he was by the brood, while saying next time he would expect twice as many.

 

Something smashed as Vader Three escaped Ren’s hold and tugged on the tray of medical supplies.  Vader Two started to cry which set off Vader One and Ren became frazzled trying to corral all three Wookiees while shooting death glares at the medical droid.

 

“We’re leaving,” Hux said firmly and begrudgingly picked up the fourth Wookiee, Crunchy, who was clinging to his arm.  Furry little fingers curled around his neck to hang on while Hux strode from the room.

 

“Wait, we need to stop by our room first,” Ren said and adjusted his grip on the other three Wookiees: one was under each arm and the last was riding atop his shoulders.

 

Hux decidedly did not roll his eyes. “Why?” He didn’t stop walking down the hallway.

 

“Supreme Leader Snoke bought some gifts for the children.” Ren’s long legs caught up with the pair and walked beside him, forcing Stormtroopers to quickly flatten themselves against the halls lest they be knocked over. “He insisted he wanted to see how everything fit. Express galaxy shipping is very expensive, Hux,” Ren added in the silence.

 

Crunchy warbled something at him, and the General grit his teeth together. He didn’t need to understand Shyriiwook to know that Crunchy was wheedling him. “Make it quick,” he grumbled and all four Wookiees howled in joy.

 

It’s how Hux soon found himself standing shoulder to shoulder with Ren before the Supreme Leader holding onto a wiggling Wookiee that seemed more interested in climbing him like a tree than respectfully sitting in his arms before Snoke.

 

“I knew you would have a strong brood of larvae,” Snoke said with an honest to the stars smile across his weathered face. He hunched down from his throne as if to get a better look at the children held between the General and the Knight. “Do they like it?”

 

Ren practically beamed like some sort of disturbingly proud father. “Yes, Master. Vader One appreciates the blue brimmed hat, Vader Two chose her pink headband, Vader Three liked the pink hairbow, and Crunchy is getting used to his blue bowtie.”

 

Something soft hit the ground and Hux looked down to see said bowtie by his feet. Crunchy hadn’t taken to the bowtie at all and had used every opportunity to swipe it off. Privately, Hux couldn’t fault the Wookiee for having sound judgment in fashion.

 

“Supreme Leader, what do you expect us to do with our, er, children?” Hux asked. The re-education centers weren’t really designed for young children in mind. He turned his body so Ren couldn’t use the Force to put back on Crunchy’s bowtie. Crunchy obviously didn’t like it.  

 

Snoke clasped his hands together inside the sleeves of his voluminous robe. “Why, General Hux, I expect you to raise them to be the powerful new assets for the First Order.”

 

“Supreme Leader, we will make you proud,” Ren declared in a wobbly voice full of emotion.

 

Hux didn’t even need to look to know that idiot was crying. It was enough to almost make him feel second hand embarrassment. “What? Supreme Leader, I’m not really sure that’s the wisest course of action.”

 

“Parents nurture their young from a young age for twenty-five years before setting them off on their own,” the Supreme Leader continued on as if he hadn’t heard Hux. “See to it that they are educated in all manners of the First Order and the power of the Force so that we can achieve our goals. My grandchildren shall rule all with an iron fist under my guidance and their parents’ expertise.”

 

“ _What_?” Hux asked again.

 

Ren suddenly swept him up into a horrifying hug. “Don’t worry my mini-knights, your Rhombus and I will take the best care of you.”

 

Hux wondered if the Resistance was taking on any new recruits.

\---

 

Ren took disturbingly well to the concept of fatherhood. "Hux, you're going to miss family story time," the Knight called.          

 

"Huh, how about that?" Hux replied and walked right on by the brood with a pillow under one arm. Snoke still insisted they share a room now that they were a 'family unit' but that didn't mean that the General couldn't sleep at his desk.

 

Again.

 

For the third week in a row.

 

He nearly tripped when his walking was suddenly arrested. "Ren!" he snapped and pinwheeled his arms to keep his balance.

 

"The kids need a strong family unit to become strong," Ren insisted and dragged the redhead towards the bed by use of the Force.

 

Hux was unceremoniously deposited next to Ren and immediately Crunchy crawled into Hux's lap. The Wookiees had rapidly grown in such a short timespan and were the size of a human toddler.

 

"Is this really necessary?" the other man asked distastefully. He tried glaring down Crunchy but the Wookiee just smiled and gurgled some Shyriiwook sound at him.

 

Ren beamed. "Yes Crunchy, Daddy Two loves story time." He settled against the many pillows with Vaders 1-3 curled around him, one clutched onto each arm and one on Ren's back with her chin hooked over Ren's shoulder.

 

The General was at least mildly happy that it was just one Wookiee that seemed to latch onto him. Ren said it was because Crunchy looked a lot like Hux with their red hair. Hux thought it was because the fourth child didn't have the sense to be afraid of him.

 

"As I was saying, this is the story of your great grandfather, Lord Vader, the most intelligent and noble and powerful man in any galaxy." The Wookiees all cheered. "Except for Supreme Leader Snoke of course," Ren added as an afterthought.

 

The lights in the room dimmed to five percent and a holovid started playing. Sandwiched between Ren and the wall with a Wookiee pinning him down, Hux was forced to sit and listen to a _highly_ embellished story about Ren's grandfather that lasted hours.

 

Hux hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep until the next day when Crunchy's furry face was right against his. He strangled a scream and shoved backwards. "Don't _do_ that!" he snapped, heart beating hard against his ribcage.

 

Crunchy opened his mouth in a smile, green eyes glittering with mirth before purring at him.

 

"Hux, glad you're up." Ren stepped out of the bathroom fully dressed with his helmet on. "We're about to head to breakfast." Vader One, in his blue hat, was strapped to Ren's chest in some sort of red leather harness. Vader Three, wearing her customary pink bow near one ear, was bouncing on the couch in another red harness with a leash attached to it.

 

The Knight said something in Shyriiwook and Crunchy licked Hux's cheek before bouncing over to Ren and obediently turning around so he could be clicked into his leash and harness.

 

"WHY?" Hux scrubbed a hand across his face.

 

"Crunchy adores you Hux. It's how he displays affection." Despite the modulator, Hux _knew_  Ren's voice was distressingly sentimental.

 

"Come on children, let's get you the nutrients you need in order to crush your enemies." Ren tugged on the leashes and both Wookiees ran ahead as far as they could go while Vader One bounced in his harness.

 

Hux didn't even notice Vader Two until Ren walked by to reveal the back harness. The noise from the group abruptly cut off when the door shut behind them to fill the room with ringing silence.

 

The General took a moment to bask in the lack of noise. He was sorely tempted to go back to sleep but he was needed on the bridge within the hour. Thankfully Snoke took him off kriffing rhombus leave, but that meant playing an obscene amount of catch-up to do.

 

He ran a hand through his bedhead before getting up. He needed a shower. Hux stripped off his uniform for the cleaning droids to clean and headed towards the bathroom.

 

He could hear the shower running and frowned. Ren. Why couldn't he clean up after himself? The frown turned into one of confusion when his foot stepped into ankle deep water. "What...? It's flooded?"

 

Something soft brushed up against his ankle. Hux looked down to see a tangled ball of dark brown and red fur the size of his head that was blocking the drain. " **REN**!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done! Thanks again to Kelgrid for letting me use their comics as inspiration. You can find them here: http://kelgrid.tumblr.com/ And it looks like Hux is coming around to being a Rhombus after all.
> 
> I've been over my stories a million times but don't have a beta, so all mistakes I've missed are definitely mine.

Hux wasn’t even pretending to hide the flask he was drinking out of. This was his life after three standard months of Snoke insisting upon this, ugh, family unit and Ren being the worst parent in the world letting the Wookiees run amok on his ship. They were large enough not to need the harnesses anymore.

 

“VADER ONE, GET OFF THE TABLE!” Ren yelled and tried to grab for one little paw. Vader One easily dodged Ren’s hand with his food plate held aloft while running across the table. Vader Two was by Ren’s elbow looking for attention and Vader Three was crawling all over Ren’s back.

 

“Hux, tell Vader One that good gentlemen have manners!” He picked up Vader Two to deposit in his lap while using the Force to stabilize Vader Three on his shoulders. “CRUNCHY NO!” Crunchy gurgled out something while swinging around Ren’s lightsaber with a happy smile. “HUX! Your children need you!”

 

This flask of Phasma’s special brew needed him more. He took another healthy swig. Something shattered followed by Ren’s primal scream of frustration, and Hux let out a heavy sigh. He grabbed Vader One when he ran by again and pulled him off the table to sit down next to him. “Behave,” he said sternly and straightened the little blue hat.

 

He wasn’t sure if Vader One understood basic or not, but he did settle down. With a toothy grin he reached out to pluck some meat product off Hux’s plate to eat. Great. Lovely. “Crunchy, listen to your superior-”

 

“Alpha Dad,” Ren interjected and Force pulled the lightsaber away from the Wookiee. “Hux, you can’t tell them we’re superiors” he added on in a low whisper. “It’ll give them an unhealthy complex.”

 

Hux looked up at the ceiling as if it would give him answers. “Crunchy, eat your nutrients and don’t play with the lightsaber. It’s not a toy.” It seemed to do the trick and all the little Wookiees settled down at the table to eat off each other’s plates.

 

Ren turned to look at Hux with suspiciously wet eyes. “Hux, I knew you would be a natural Rhombus Daddy at this,” he said in a wobbly voice. “This is the perfect family I’ve always wanted.”

 

Vader Two was lazily picking her nose with her tongue sticking out, which Hux declined to comment on. “I don’t have time for this,” he said and stood up. “Some of us have work to do.” He gently scooted Vader One over next to Ren.

 

Ren snagged the sleeve of Hux’s uniform to prevent the other man from leaving. “Wait! Take Crunchy with you.”

 

Hux shot him a disbelieving look.

 

“He expressed interest in seeing how you worked.” He held up Crunchy under the little Wookiee’s arms. “I’ll take the rest of the kids for the day,” Ren added on.

 

The General sighed but took Crunchy to set down on the floor. “I better not get any missives that you or the Wookiees have destroyed anything for the day,” he threatened before striding out the door with Crunchy in tow.

 

\---

 

Surprisingly, Crunchy was well behaved away from Ren and his other siblings. Hux _knew_ that Ren was a terrible influence on the brood. Currently the Wookiee was sitting in one of the officer’s chairs on the bridge playing on one of Hux’s spare datapads.

 

“Lieutenant Mitaka,” Hux said sharply to get the other man’s attention. “Could you go over the latest information about our battle cruisers?”

 

Mitaka quickly pulled his hand back from Crunchy’s fur. “Of course,” he said before rattling off information that, truthfully, Hux didn’t need at this particular moment but the noise in the background made it easier to concentrate on other plans.

 

He pulled up some holo maps on his command center, quickly skimming over the scrolling data while his fingers flicked away data files with efficiency. There were some substantiated rumors of a rebel base on the outskirts of the Mid-Rim that needed to be looked at.

 

Hux flicked through another file, gloved fingers tapping over his crossed arms in thought. There was also the problem of battle cruiser formation for the best offensive tactics in the next rebel skirmish. He tapped the half-finished plans into focus to review, but frowned when he saw they’d be altered.

 

“Lieutenant, what have I told you about altering my files?” Hux cut Mitaka off. Low anger was curling within him. Those files were _classified_ while he worked on them. No one touched his battle tactics.

 

“I…I d-didn’t,” Mitaka stuttered. “Only you-”

 

“Then _why_ are they completed?” Hux cut in again. Not only were his tactical plans finished, but also they were _right_ and that burned within him. Sloppy as the new formations were, he could see the intent behind him and what new plans could come from it.

 

Mitaka wrung his hands in front of him while trying not to anger the increasingly irate superior. “Sir, only you have access to them on your datapad.”

 

Hux stilled in sudden realization before his head whipped around. “Crunchy?” he said incredulously.

 

Crunchy warbled out happily and touched another point on the datapad. On Hux’s holoscreen another mockup of battle cruisers fell into place right where they should be.

 

His son was a genius.

 

Hux cleared his throat. “Yes, well my mistake Lieutenant,” he said stiffly. “If you will excuse me, Crunchy and I have some important schematics to go over after this revelation.”

 

The Lieutenant had a suspiciously soft look on his face when he responded, “Of course, General. I’ll take things over from here.”

 

Hux decided to ignore it in favor of walking over to Crunchy. “Let’s go, Crunchy.” He gave an affectionate pat on the Wookiee’s head as soon as the doors closed behind them.

 

They walked down the hallways, with Hux shortening his stride for Crunchy, as the redhead directed them towards the mess hall. They should really eat beforehand and it _was_ important for growing children to consume vast quantities of nutrients. Crunchy looked a little on the small side.

 

On the way, Hux started to hear heavy thumping coming from down the hall. He was going to ignore it before he saw two troopers exit the far door that lead towards the exercise rooms. Non-standard issue music blasted out and filled the entire hallway with noise and the sound of…Snoke?

 

Hux sighed when he noticed a hastily put up sign on the door that said: SPECIAL WORKOUT. FAMILY ONLY. He was not going to get involv- “Crunchy!” he snapped when the Wookiee ran pell-mell down the hall. Hux took off after him with the intent for some serious discipline. Crunchy slipped through the door with Hux not long after.

 

Only to be met with the Supreme Leader in a lime green leotard over his black robes.

 

“COME ON, KIDS! SWEAT THAT LIGHT OUT!” came Snoke’s thunderous voice from his massively projected self in the center of the room. He was vigorously punching up in the air to the beat of the music.

 

“Augh, what!” the General yelled. The exercise room was cleared out save for Ren, Phasma, and the Vaders all in sweatbands and exercise gear. He watched one of the Vaders accidentally trip over a stray free-weight and head-butt Ren in the crotch.

 

Ren’s face went white. “The pain,” he gasped curling in on himself. “Can’t breathe.”

 

“Punch the pain, Ren!” Phasma shouted with fifty-pound free weights in either hand. “If it hurts you, punch it back!” Her silver two-piece workout outfit flashed in the overhead lights as she followed along to Snoke’s exercise routine.  

 

Ren looked like he was on the verge of collapsing while trying to keep up with the hyperactive Wookiees.

 

“Come on, Ren, don’t disappoint your kids. They need to be inspired by your strength,” Phasma cajoled. Then, in a softer and much more snarkier voice, “Do you want to be _that_ kind of dad?”

 

Ren’s eye blazed. “No!” he screamed with teeth bared, seeming to pull on the Force to stand up straight and punch the air. “I am a _great_ Alpha Dad!”

 

“THAT’S THE SPIRIT KYLO,” Snoke approved. “NOW ONTO THE DARK SIDE BICYCLE KICKS.”

 

Right. Hux was definitely not going to deal with any of that. He snagged Crunchy under the arms when the child ran by and walked them both out the door.

 

\---

 

“I think you’re settling well into being a family man,” Phasma said and took a bite out of her nutrient bar. Her helmet was off for Vader Three to play with next to her.

 

Hux scowled at her. “Who asked you?” He deftly took away Vader Two’s knife when she was about to throw it on the floor. “And what are you doing here?” Ren and Hux had more or less settled into a routine that involved getting all the Wookiees up and dressed for the day during first shift before the officers arrived, and then Ren would take the Vaders and Hux would take Crunchy. Sometimes they’d switch, or one would have all of them if the other was too busy with duties.

 

“I invited her to family breakfast,” Ren interjected from across the table. He was idly flicking through some ads on the holonet. “Do you think our children are old enough for their own lightsabers?”

 

“No!” Hux snapped because _honestly_? “And since when do you like family things?”

 

Phasma grinned and shrugged one shoulder. “These little brats grow on you.” She flexed her arm for one of the Vaders to giggle and latch onto. “Besides Snoke seems to think they need an honorary Aunt.”

 

“But Hux, look at these little lightsaber belts!” Ren continued and blew up the projected image. “It comes in black. That’s our color!”

 

“That’s _everyone’s_ color on this stars forsaken ship.” Hux switched his attention to Phasma. “As for you, no poisoning their minds with your tawdry tales and insubordination.” Vader Three had started to pick up that eyebrow raise Phasma did whenever Hux berated her and she knew it wasn’t dire.

 

“Just admit you like being part of a family, and I’ll try not to tell my worst stories around them,” Phasma said.

 

Hux’s scowl got fiercer. “I will do no such thing.” Meal done, he stood up to head out the mess hall. It was about time for his shift to start anyway. “And you,” he said pointing a finger at Ren, “absolutely no dangerous weapons while they’re this young.” The Vaders bid goodbye in Shyriiwook. It was one of a few phrases that Hux understood now.

 

Crunchy toddled off after Hux before the mess hall doors closed behind him, knowing the routine by now. He made a questioning sound and Hux looked down. Crunchy’s wet nose was running again. Hux sighed and pulled out a handkerchief from his breast pocket. "Crunchy, what did I tell you about keeping an orderly appearance?" he patiently asked.

 

Crunchy warbled and touched his head. He had insisted Ren style his hair exactly like Hux's. It was parted on the left and severely slicked down with the pomade the General used.

 

"Yes, it's a very nice hairstyle. At least one of you has some sense." The Vaders all had the same wild, non-regulation hairstyle the same as Ren. Hux had banished a lower level officer to the barracks so the dark haired brood could have their own shower.

 

"However, a gentleman must always keep up appearances at all times. That includes the small details." He tucked the kerchief back into his pocket. "It commands respect."

 

Crunchy nodded and looked up at Hux. The General looked either way down the hallway before lightly patting the Wookiee on the head with warm affection. "Excellent, now let's see how competent the men are." He walked stiff-backed toward the bridge with his arms folded behind him.

 

Crunchy mirrored Hux as he followed a half step behind.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Kylux´s egg](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618370) by [Hatsherlocked](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hatsherlocked/pseuds/Hatsherlocked)




End file.
